02 March 2006
Home Bitches More To Come .....

22 Februrary 2006
Ten Nine Eight Seven Six Six Six Six... just about six days and I am home free for twenty-one fuckin days.
Site Neglected i know welly you work 14 hours hifts for three weeks and only have about two n half days off within in it and see how much you feel like doing anything other than pass out. So put on some clown shoes and try to swim.....yes I did just say that.. new layout it designed..in my head lol now just got to make it lil diff then the past few probably wont be up till I m home and can breath again and not have to really worry about shit. I slept through 6 alarms and a phone call this morning and barely made it to work before we posted. That damn siren noise on motorola phones is my alarm too so if you know what that thing sounds like then you know that I have to be tired. Got work in the morning again more just a debrief and hopefully thats all but I doubt it. Friday...YAY morework...this weekend hopefully time off packing and Carnivale in Venice next week you guessed it more work but then 13+ hours of travel time and then I m ...in chicago...then an hour or so after that home! lol. Got stuff for the family stuff that should have been there a long time ago lol opps. some concerts YES!, papers saying I can legaly drive hopefully as well. Theres more I d like to say but ?I ve been up since 0400 and I m beat. Ohh yeah impose some more rambling about me being just me, I sware i must have the worst timing with women always that day late or day too soon for any chance at anything...then seeing what got the chance is just that kick in the teeth sware i dont know how some males can allow certain things to be said about their girlfriends, lil bitches just cause its their friends talking the shit.....get a clue shitheads if your friends are saying that in front of you they are saying eve worse behind you. Personally I m not tollerating that type of crap to be said about any female friends or girlfriend talk shit about me all day long  I can retaliate but dont talk shit to me about one of them unless they are there and even then i dont recommend cause one you have a irritated me and who everit is that you talked shit about to deal with. its one thing to joke but some jokes just dont fly. If your not smart enough to separate the two then you might as well jsut stop breathing cause in life your gettin a D- only reason you dont fail at it is cause you still some how manage to keep breathing. So friendly reminder to anyone who knows me well I probably wont have a current girl soon like (damn timing) but it counts for Ex's as well dont talk shit i dont play that game.

11 Feburary 2006
First off Kittie's new EP its out called Never Again buy it you dont even have to get off your lazy asses to get it dwnload it LEGALY from any place you can purchace and download music from for example iTunes where you can get an exclusive fourth track called Everything That Could Have Been. Its an excellent four track Ep well worth the four dollars you pay, actually less than that four is just the round off thats less than a buck a song so go and get it cuntscabs. NOW

Now for those of you that do have it and havent seen my booklet I threw together for it check it out:


Its on the official website and awesomeness for me I got a message from morgan herself that she likes it and finds it totally kool that people use it as a book insert for burned copies they make of Never Again. So thats awesomeness not often you get praise from a band so :D :D :D i rule.

On to other news... I ve been working from last friday and will be working until march pretty much everyday...kick to the teeth.

Look up whats going on in Aviano Italy tomorrow should be on the news some nifty moral type stuff you may see me workin lol in the background of all this crap press is suppose to be there for it n all that shit we have a special visitor going to be pulling security for em, woo ti do.

My lil sis posted a blog bout me odd lol turns out i was "popular" in high school whatever didnt like ninty percent of the people there so they can lick their own assholes. lol funny thing she said some preppy girls came up to her say I was cute where the hell these girls were when i was there shit. eh

... some good news or meh news may transpire in teh not so distant furture ... :D ... but who knows still all up in the air but the road up to it brightens my gloominess often even in its more insignificant of matters.

Nothing else i can think of tired got shit to do for work tomorrow for our Distinguished (misspell probably) Visitor. Shiny boots and pressed uniform.

Oh yeah Smoot....*shakes head in shame* I dont even have to say anything do I.

So yeah vehicle weapon and ground safety, ohh yeah thats dumb yet i hear it almost everyday....shit i need ot just shut up

So yeah out like your light while your doing that gargoyal you call a girlfriend.

31 Janurary 2006
Whoooweee 14 hours of works drains ya, I just ate a stale bowl of fruity pebbles and bed is calling my name so this will be short and sweet like. To my surprise site hits have gone up in recesnt days not down and here I thought it was safe to be slackin a little nope why or who I dont know bu I thank you for the intrest. Its probably going to stay slacked around here for a while with us back in to 14s but I ll try like now  *grin* to keep up something. I may have done something ballsy but possible not to smart lol dont know et I ll find out this afternoon I think who knows maybe good maybe bad will come out of it either way done is done. But between now and then I need some sleep a good solid 5 hours maybe. Till then t t t t t t thats all folks
...gah thats why I m single isnt it lol ah fuck off

28 Janurary 2006
Well my net has been down for the last week and havent had the time to go and get it back up so theres my absense excused.Nothing to exciting going on at all really ummm hmm..Underworld Evolution opened up last week I ve heard nothing but good things thus far, unfortunatly havent had the opportunity to see it yet nor the no doubtibly horrible BloodRayne yet.I m sleepy though lol so I m not exactly in the the clearest mind to give a good account of the past week, so more to come probably tomorrow some time I ll try and get some new pictures up as well and possible some more new doo dads. New layout soon I love this one but you know got to move with the times Janurary is the month of the vamps but its almost over sadly so who knows what Feburary will hold.
Till later

14 Janurary 2006
Quickie got my new snowboard it works great lol the board is waaaay too good for my skill lol but I ll work up to it. Watching the Dead poets Society good movie if you have never seen it, saw it long time ago in school forgot how good it was.
Umm damn forgot what else i was going to say so thats it lol.

12 Janurary 2006
I havent given up yet on here updates a couple days apart this time, yay work. Which they are going to screw me some more today  yippy. So work around the mill is BloodRayn's movie sucks.......people keep telling me this.....I do believe I ve said it again and again its going to suck....*checks pasat updates* ohh yeah yup sure did.
So stop telling me it, its not going to make the movie good, its not going to stop me from seeing it, and no it even wont change the layout any sooner cause guess what I like this lay out so go bite one. Had like 7 damn emails about it. Also the one guy saying I should take it off my layout eshhh like I m going to listen to anyone with the numbers 69 and xXx XxX around and in their email address. Yeah thats definatly the kinda of person that sways my mind.I am dissapointed that BloodRayne blows chunks I was hopeing for at least something tollerable but I m hearing nothing but bad and the worse, hope the rights get sold to a director with at least half amind then now cause Boll head screwd another potentially good movie up.
Nothing i can do though sadly... I m learning to play the guitar though lol been learning the past 10 hours or so now lol I m not terrible lol but I sure as hell dont know a damn thing, but I can play the intro to What I Always Wanted  By Kittie \m/ score for me. But its not exactly the most chanllenging thing I could do either but with time and practice I m going to ge tit down. I want to update more but the time where I can use my internet is about to run out so I have to go more later I sware really I mean it.

09 Janurary 2006
What a kick in the teeth, just made a giant sized entry and it craps on me freezes up and loses all my work how nice is that. Well I m certainly not going to type it all out again cause now I m just frustraited with this. So heres the summary:
1Found an amzingly well put together site, the girl will probably hate this one lol most of this sites contents are listed as things she hates but like it or not I  really enjoied her site all three parts, the personal site very good read there, the review site extremely well written reviews there and honest, and the fan site which she put up her self and that amuses me. Here they are click away and see for your self:
(Links moved to links page only)
(Funny had a reallly long update in the lost one about this site in the last one cause its really really good so really
do go look at it, its run off all free shit likethis one once was)
2. New links other than the one I just plugged up there some taken out.,
3. New pics are going to be posted once this entry has finnaly taken hold and can be viewed by you.
4. I m inspired lately ifyou havent noticed with the new layout and updates I hope to keep it up work as always is going to try and kick the site in the balls by having me go back in to 14 hour shifts once again for the next three days, I hope to over come this obsticle and continue this hot streak.
5..............there is no five lol
Thats all for the moment more updates to coem maybe later tonight today whenever until then dont wet the bed.

08 Janurary 2006
I love my new layout I must say lol I cant stop looking at it, even made a desktop layout to go with it, I am having som buggie son my site but I think its just me lol hopefully. Been updating all sorts of things today, myspace deviantart and what not. Have to work early tomorrow (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *tears*) stupid crap that I have to protect get rid of em all is what I say. Not much to say at the moment thanks to those who have sent emails likeing the new layout lol I m just shocked that people still come around here.
Out for now

07 Janurary 2006
Wow lol this site just got some long over due loving not just a new layout some new are well lol old art technically but lol new to be put up on the site lol, old layout finnaly updated and minor technically buggies worked out. All that I need to relaly update is the pictures definatlly dont have time for it now have work in 5 hours and need to sleep all 5. Hopefully I ll keep this up and the site will get more and more loving but lol I always say that and dont often come through on it. Ciao for now.

07 Janurary 2006
Well well well its a new year, I got back from Switzerland the other day wowwas it awesome up there did not want to leave that is for sure got some cool gifts for my family up there that I cant mention cause they havent gotten them yet though but lol they will like em especiallymy step dad. (No its not sports related)
Like the new layou had to do it Janurary is a good time to love vampires Have BloodRayne which came out yesturday, I cant wait till I can see it. Also on the 20th Undeworld: Evolution premires. I recomend seeing both cause I say so :D. BloodRayne is done by possible the worlds front running director on how to make great video games into horrible movies sadly bu from what I have heard the guy must have had a brain fart and actually produced a good one, I can only hope so cause I m a huge BloodRayne fan, I ve done two manips had a couple layouts used to moderate on a fan forum and help designed a fan site plus haveboth games comics and other various items. Underworld its a sequal so if you liked the first see it of course if you didnt or didnt see it give it another shot, various reasons I ve heard for not likeing the first one was the effects the movie has a bigger budget this time so the effects have greatly improved, if your just a big giant terd and still refuse your loss it obviously wast too bad they made another one so HA the fans win. DSL here looks very real by next moth even so YAY I just have to go get some paper work then wait another eternity for it and maybe just maybe have it and finnaly be able to load up all those pictures and yes even video now.
Umm not too much more off the top of my head to update on only acouple.
One Happy Birthday Morgan Lander of Kittie, well belated birthday its was the 6th. Those that know me know that Kittie is a huge part of my musical intrests and a big part of keeping me sane at times, so durrr I m obviously going to wish her a happy b-day. Also in Kittie news a new EP is coming out in Feburary on the 7th I  believe so download it!....yes I said download it its a downloadable EP so PAY for i and enjoy it. There are clips out already on the kittie myspace to get your tastebuds wet so have a listen.
The stats for my site have been spiking I m usure as to why but those of you that are visiting so much wow um sorry for the lack of updates will try to do so more often since theres been such a boom in visitors but if you have read this site in the past lol you know that can be a pain.
Enough for now have to impliment the new changes Laters
.....Got Blood?....lol

24 December 2005
Long long time since the last update been tied up with things lately well lol whats new really. Merry New Years and Happy Christmas and other various holidays. Uhh want to update more but cant really so lol proabaly see you next year.

14 November 2005
This will be short look new layout yay now i just have to archive the last two or three lol, I have new pics but those arnt going up yet, new art working on it as well KMFDM got cancelled so I m a bit testy so dont go pressing any of the wrong buttons causeI ve been taking no prisoners, more to come on that little matter as well. The no prisoners the concert well nothing I could do about it took a 4 hour train ride to get told itwas canned. But lately some people have gotten under my skinon matter that they know better.
Enough though I have to get to bed hve training b.s. tomorrow for  cert I dont even want.

06 November 2005
Well good news KMFDM is playing in Milan and I m going so YEAH concert its been over a year and its been driving me nuts so I cant wait till Friday. Another good thing I got to chit chat with the new bassistfor Kittie Trish and she is really kool and really nice, hope she sticks with the band for a while and from what Morgan and Mercedes have said both her and Tara are amazing at what they do so I cant wait till I can see them in concert. Hmm what else wel lthe new layout is kinda made I ve hit a creative brick wall on them i know what i want them to look like but I m not quite getting the look of things right but there is actually some progress done on them and once the library opens up here I m going to go and upload some pics there cause the net is faster there. Dont know if theres any thing else if there is I ll update on it later more.
(who just mispelled his name 4 times)

22 October 2005
I dunno why but the damn sight is updating my updates half the time its getting annoying hopefully its fixes it self soon. I made a new kittie pic I ll post that later, gonna wokr on a lil something tonight too. Not much to update on 14 hour shifts are starting to turn in to 15 hour shifts so life is practically nonexistant.

7 October 2005
Haha damn no updates ever from this guy what a terd. What can you do right notlike theres too many visitors here any more any way. Happy birthdaay to those with birthdays I ve missed and those coming up thers like 10 of you so none of you are getting any special crap on here, all you get is what I ve said to you in person or via phone email whatever. New art layout and all that other stuff pictures are on hold obviously cause I just dont have the time to really update them like i would like to hell I m barely doing this thing but we are going back in to panama 12's (14's) so I will actually have mroe time kinda except for my en d of coursetest and college classes getting in the way but things should be getting better on here yay eh. lol
Big congrates to a buddyof mine back home he finnally well actually a while ago I just didnt know finnaly quite all his druggie habbits and has been clean since I ve been in Italy so good on him its about time, now get a job.
Thats all for now got to do some minor maintenece to the site the lil unoticeable things ya know.
Code 10 Serria

25 September 2005
;lkafhjalskdflak thats how its felt around here lately things just arnt letting up and they wont be anytime soon sucks. I m not worn out just lots to do and none of it I would o if I had the option not to but life right. Of course theres always the little things I let get to myself as well, but yeah this poem I read in a seminar I took this weekend on the Iliad I like made me things of well if you cant tell then you dont need to know then good poem though.

No Second Troy

Why should I blame her that she filled my days
With misery, or that she would of late
Have taught to ignorant men most violent ways,
Or hurled the little streets upon the great,
Had they but courage equal to desire?
What could have made simple as a fire,
With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind
That is not natural in an age like this,
Being high and solitary and most stern?
Why, what could she have done, being what she is?
Was there another Troy for her to burn?
- William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)


15 September 2005
This will be relativly fast getting ready for work at thi moment have a crap load of crappy ops coming up sware this base never calms down. I m going home in March though two n half three wekks so yay lol. Ahh crap dont remember what else I wanted to sayso guess it wont be said. I am working on new art and there are some that are done that still need to be posted. Laters for now try and make another update and layout hopefully soon.

04 September 2005
Ah Hell its september now, i ve been busy alot lately did some stuff lots of stuff, somethings that still shock me cause didnt think i would actually ever get gutsyenough to do that, but thats an issue that is currently sealed till further notice. I ve got more to do and alot morein the coming months ahead where updates are once again going to be few and far apart half cause of lots of work half out of pure laziness. My brains been racked lately, ever have those things that you just cant stop thinking about but just because of the way things are you have to try not to hardest thing ever. I actually get headaches from surpressing it sucks but its what is needed to be done to keep secure what proceeds it, and boy does it suck. Well go to go going to have to probe a persons mind here is a little bit, I ve got one of those feelings the kind that i ve not usually wrong about and i need to see if i m right, and yes its more than just so my own ego is pleased something serious i take it is going on and I m going to pry my wayinto it hopefully or get my head ripped off either or.

21 August 2005
Ooo raw small updateish I ve got to work way too much the next few days its gonna suck. But I think I should have a new layout up by the end of the night I m bored and its too early to go to sleep. For those of you in the chicago area theres  Kittie show happening so go see it  you lucky bastereds. I ll put up a link directly to it in due time. ..... Ohh yeah I forgot to mention I wnet skydiving the other day and it looks like I ll be going to get certified to do it on my own fairly soon lol fun stuff eh.

18 Augustmoon 2005
Close too close, but happy birthday mancub.
-Spider (Always POE)

15 August 2005
I actually forgot to put in the time on the last one crazy... well bing bang boom in and out on this one. Saw Fantastic 4 yesturday not bad not the best but not the worst could have been better, if a sequal is ever mad it has good potential. Anyway to the point go
here and here Ive been artsy lately havent been completely sitting on my ass arnd here.

14 August 2005
I dont know what to think anymore at this moment one minute I m content with how things are at my life the next I m I all over the place in my mind. Theres a lot of factors all over the place that I cannot control and cannot help change that I would like to help make right. Obviously this post is about my friends still guess I m obsessing a bit, not much goes on around here so something does thats about all that is happening desnt help that my personality is naturally that way over things that is right I want to help fix it. Worry more that I maybe just making things worse, due to my own feelings on the matter. i do my best o remain a neutral part and I can do it but that factor is still always there and she knows that so somethings I worry that when I try to help she may jus think I m just trying to I dunno..... do other than I m intending to do, I worry myself sometimes on the same manner however so its an understandable cocern. Cause yeah like her and would like things to be beyond where they are but they are not and I think I have come to accept that for the most part, I have my moments but they are contained. But then you throw in the factors of my two other friends, lets just say the three of us share a common bonds, we all like her. The other two have known her a long while and me with my bad timing we all tell her at around the same time. I never thoguht I would feel horrible for like ing someone but damn I do and I honestly wish I could just not like her, she has her best friends (and as she says her only) all confessing at once that we like her and it doesnt take a doctor to tell that its stressing her out and I get the sense that shes headed for a breakdown. me and her have gotten to some good terms together and I m getting her to tlak but its hard with our work scueduals conflicting and I want to help her cause shes alot like me shes keeping it  all in there and its building and getting to her. Easy for me to see cause shes reacting to all of it a lot like I do, I cant say we are exactly alike on the subject but I know that she just has to get it out there talk to someone and who everthat is me or someone else shell figure it all out on her own but she needs an out let somewhere to get her own thoughts in line. I just hope she does soon cause dispite how well she tries to hide it i can see its tearing her up inside, which since I care about her bothers the shit out of me. I really should get a life of my own and stop worrying bout this, I know i wont but damn I should stick to my own problems and maybe keep out of others, shes good at handeling things that I know for a fact shell handel this with finess I m sure.... sadly that doesnt help me worry any less.

08 August 2005
Whoa more than just a lil rant there on that last one eh, and how about my familiy chiming in on that one.... nothing like the anonimity of a websit, the web in general when you family comes popping in. But shit happens right. Well update me and my friend till good probably better off then when it all started in fact which is kool. Actually trust the lass as well which for me dont happen much at all so its really nice to have some one to talk to like this again.Its a two way system I help here she helps me well lol as of late its been more the me needing of the help but like I said two lane road sometimes one side has more traffic than the other but hey streets arnt always dead. Moving past the gay analogy but yeah I m sure anyone can figure out what I mena unless your some sort of conceptual failure. I forgot to mention on that last one hey I went to Rome tada lol more on that some other time though got some stuff to write up really quick, feel liek a damn middle schooler writing notes but hey it seems to be the best way I communicate through the written word cause in person I just studder and ramble around the subject till its forgotten, sarcasim really works great in that situation that being why I m such a non sarcastic fellow ;).
Well yeah I m starting to ramble here now cause I completely forgot what this update was going to be about so I m out.
"Wide Awake and Dreaming Is This What It Seems Close My Eyes Forever I ll Wake  Up"

06 August 2005
Well damn its been a long long while half due to being really busy and half due to being too tired and lazy to update. I have so many emails its not funny granted 90% of it is junk mail but still theres a lot of replying I have to do. But not tonight still to lazy to go through them all. Only stopping in real quick to show that yeah I m still kicking and screaming. Lot has gone on lot of mental strain especially the last couple nights, things of the past rearing their ugly heads again. Its August the month of birthdays it seems have like three friends and Emmas. Which I ve been waiting to hear from her before I posted this up but I dont seem to get and replys from her anymore, we have ended... the distance I guess just finnaly made everything collapse this was quite a while ago however over a month now for sure maybe longer. I couldnt keep up with things and I know I wasnt making her happy being here so things had to end in hopes that we dont end up hating one another, maybe again someday. So yeah single woo fucking hoo, sucks arse. All the girls around here have well been around here.. to say the least and yeah not looking to go near that at all. Of course they are not all bad but when your in a cop squadron its a good number of them and then there are teh ones I just dont like cause I dont like many people just a select few. Unfortunatly the only girl I do like is a very good friend and yeah not going there too good of a friend to lose... welll that and long ago before I even liked her she laid out rules to a couple of us, I wasnt there btu the same apply that we are just friends and thats how she wants to keep it. So being the guy that I am not really caring what I want but rather whatshe wants instead I will abide by that rule..... drives me nuts.... somedays you just wanna step out of who you are and become what your not, you know. Ive latly contemplating what if I decided to agaist what I am perhaps where some color baggy pants that hang to my ankles and blast rap in stead of metal or where ambercrombie and listen to good charllete or tight pants and a cowboy hat jamming to garth brooks. Thats just physicall appearance I m going agains and we all know outside isnt it all. Now what if I start acting like so many guys I see and treat women like shit, mean why not right cause apprently thats what alot of chicks like for some unaturaly non logical reason, or become a jock worrying about nothing but fitness. as that though quickly went through and out my mind I relised ohh yeah I know cause that isnt me never will be me and i it ever does become me someone shoot me. I am the guy in all black the one who looks like he is in a constant brooding mind set that seems like nothing but death is on his mind. Which isnt true, but it is the perception and probably the source to many reasons why girlsfriends dont come by often especially not that i m stuck in a placewhere my kind are few in numbers.But to go along with my "darkness" also comes a more well developed person a person who knows its not right to treat a woman like that one that knows better, one who will always treat the girl he likes with the respect she deserves and would go to the ends of the earth for her cause that is my nature could be my up bringin could be the enviroment and past eventsin my life which eve doesnt matter cause it is who I am not and that isnt changing. Doesnt matter if  get all the girls or not cause I KNOW for a fact that I would be discusted with my self if I acted any other way. Sure it may mean that I lose out to those other guys or more currently back down from a situation that another asswhole of a guy wouldnt and maybe get the desired results from it but, the person I am wont push those lines those limits will always rather have happy and me not so much that I take the selfish route. I m selfsacrificing not selfserving to break it down, and I wouldnt want it any other way. That is what I have been having as a mini revilation so to say for the past week or so as i wollowed in self pitty and doubt. Nothing else matters when you do what you believe is right and what is you cause you make whats right for you no one else.I could rant on this for days and hours really cause I spent at least the past 19 hours thining about and trying to deal with it. Only break though I came to was when i finnaly decided yeah time to grow up be honest with yourself and who you are and alsoe step up and tell those you care about how you care about them despite the possible reppicussion, and if you do and yo udo it honestly what is there to lose. So as you can tell yeah I did tell her I liked her but I also told her I respect her and our friendship and that they mean a whole lot to me so I am not asking you out but I will nothide what I feel from you. Everything is fine she knows burden lifted, wel for the most par a unfortunat side effect my inate ablity to not share to be cold and hide such feeling seems to have weakended alot and now I feel I may just end up ruining things anyway by sharing with her more than I normally would, who knows though right. Being honest on that front seems to be my new theme and it isnt half bad beats keeping it hidden away like I have in the past. Its even gotten me to a point where I m going to put something out there that I havent come to terms with in 6 years or so and that only about 4 people even know about, I still will never come to a content term with it but I ven never gotten to the point to where it can be discussed and now well wait and see I guess I m getting ahead of the times and walking in to a furture that I dont know the out come of. So thats all for now.
Alone yet still alive

14 July 2005
Just a quick pop in my net is back up but with a really stupid plan this place sucks for internet service. But hopefully I ll get some more updates coming soon. All is well here for the most part nothing too exciting. Till next time. Laters

03 July 2005
Gahh hate this internet drives me nuts never works, well yeah ton to update but really no time to type it all out. I actually wrote down a 5 page update sort of on actual paper but lol i cant even post that due to the fact no one can really know lol.. ahh it sucks my mind  just crap. Well first fourth in a long long while where I wont be blowing things up with my friends back home that sucks. I bought myslef avideo camera though which is kool and lol I sired someone so to say which is kool yet also a problem.... long complicated cluster fuck there but still its kool to "vamps" running around here now. More will come in time now that my net is working again grr. Hopefully some pics too you can see me and mysired vamp scaring some italians

24 June 2005
Well its been a pretty kool couple of days passed my QC which I m so glad I did with so many people failing. I m going to the French Riviara tonight till sunday. Then there today where a bunch of friends and me jumped off a bridge in to a rive very fun was a good 25 ft drop or so not very high but for where we were today the highest. WE also did some rock climbing up a river which was real kool.So no updates thisweekend will be out and about see you all Monday

21 June 2005
Yup yup yup, 2 days till my big test and I m more worried about not being worried about it, today after I sleep then wake up again will be nothing but studying a nice good ole fashied cram session then on thursday I will find out if I know enough about my job to not get my ass yelled at.
On another not read this froma song that has been stuck in my head for a while kinda is like what has been going through my mind lately.

"(Female Singer) Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A 'V'' of black swans
On with hope to the grave
All through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

(Male Singer) Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

(F)Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

(M)Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, a vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Cradle Of Filth: Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine (Overdose/Fix)
Yeah so I m gonna put in a movie and then go to bed or maybe watch some more south park who knows right, I have some ranting todo but just dont seem to be in the right mood to leak my htoughts on to the net at the moment so later and those of you who have been here know that yeah I ll brain dump on to the site soon engouh.

19 June 2005
Gahh that only took about 20 minutes to start funtioning properly.
Well today is fathers day and lol many of you dont know my father by birth is pretty much garbage. But as it so happens a lil while back my mom got remarried, actually comming up on a year now. But anyway back to where i was going, hes a really cool guy and has been more a father to me and my lil sis in the hort time we have known him then my blood relation father could ever even fathom and definatly more of a husban to my mother which is the best part of the deal. Cause my mom certainly deserves it. So on this fathers day I salute my step father an continue to shun and avoid my actual father.

18 June 2005
Well this will be quick I have to leave for work soon. Theres a new link on the links page DaughtersDown.net its a site put together by a huge kittie fan its a great site so go and check it out. Ummm sure tehres somethign else I want to go on about but I just dont have the time at the moment but rest assure my brain will leak random usless thoughts in due time.

16 June 2005
Not going to update anything even though I have some stuff, instead even though its in words a brief moment of silence will be held on the site for a very close friend of mine who just recently lost a friend who committed suicide this past sunday. Not going to place out names nor ranton about not to commit suicide for the moment but simply say,
Rest in peace
I give my condolences to those close to this tragedy.

14 June 2005
Not much to update on just keeping things in motion with the site. I m still waiting on news if some choices I have made will turn out so who knows. They are making me work durring the day for some OPS the next couple days that sucks. But  ishould get  acouple days off for it so that works.
Out for now

13 June 2005
Just a quick update, Happy Birthday to my sister shes all 15 now...the buts I m gonna have to kick when I get home now...

12 June 2005
Well I was inFlorence the past two days pretty cool got some pictures that are ofcourse going to t take forever to upload to the nest with this connection but i m working on them i got some uploaded the other day once i get a good amount i ll post the link up. Sorry for the crappy typing but I slept in a train station so really screw you if you wanna complain. We met some Americans up there civians was pretty cool made me think about a lot of things i ve been trying to block out to keep myself from getting to depressed out but it also pushed me to finnaly writting something i ve been avoiding still not sure i sohoud have written hat i did but cant change it now.
Let see what else umm almost all the site updates are done for some reason some of them dont update right away like t his probably wont appear till like tomorrow or omething its weird.Dont know how long I ll keep the witchblade look but for right now it looks like i ll keep it a while i like it probablly going switch somethings like buttons but who knows depends if i get motivated or not....lol probably not.
Well my bed sounds really comfy after a 4 hour train ride back so laters

11 June 2005
Yeah so things havent been the greatest the past few weeks what could go wrong has nothing like life ending just the small annoying things that really get on your nerves, and its all stacking up to become a really big stress on me as of late. Not to mention I have a really big issue that I nned to deal with cant really avoid any long that I wish I could its see fate has it out for me lately...Well off that for now I ll avoid it site wise at least a little longer.
Career news I QC (Qualification Certification, lol i think) on the 22nd which means they are going to test m on if I know my job its pretty big deal last 5 people have fail so yeah probably should study just more stress to the pile eh. That and they keep voulintelling me for things cause I m a sharp troop that can be trusted to do things , yeah thanks flightleadership I do a good job so yeah take a way a couple of my days off i dont need em.....
Plus I missed out on a giant metal festival which really sucks mudvayne was there would have been the 6th time seeing them plus 17 other bands were there so gahh grr could have really used that to clear my head.
Last but not least I actually got that new layout done should be up by the end of the night and hopefully a lot of new pictures but who knows i have to bee up in 6...4 1/2 hours...

21 May 2005
Think  i m going to work on a new site design tonight time to revitalize this place fresh look and start getting people visitting again.

14 May 2005
Bad thoughts bad thoughts indeed paranoid.. always today woo gut feeling be wrong.. damn it never is though...
Check my vitals I think somehting has passed on.

14 May 2005
So its early in the morning an me and my friends have a 14 hour shift to get up for and work in 12 hours sucks eh. Not sure what to update here not much has been going on. Afraid my main concern of the past few months has gone down hill fast and I honestly dont know what to do about it or even how to slow it down its just the worst timing for things like this to happen cause I dont have the time to actually sit think and deal with things. I was hoping this break that ends in 12 hours I would have the time bu even on my breaks they have stuff for us to do. Ahh guess only time will tell then if things truely have flat lined.

8 May 2005
Well first off happy mothers day to well duh my mother gahh you people are dense.
In other unrelated news the devils new number isnt 666 it is actually 616 woopty doo they finnaly found a way to read a really old piece of paper from greece its actually pretty intersting search it. Funny look religions wrong ..... again. Lets see umm I dunno there was more but ha I forgot... oh yeah lol theres a site deticated to a water bottle Morgan Lander of Kittie drank out of thats all not sig on it or anything. remember this next time i go on a Kittie rant that there are worse.
well I m out for now got a 10 hour shift to work tonight and a 12 tomorrow.

4 May 2005
Ahh yeah I dont know hat to update at the moment last week was a lil hectic we had 13 hour shifts thoase really suck cause its more like 14 hour shifts, couldnt get anything done at all not even sleep. Basically just typing so new words are actually on the site. I m going to a wedding next wednesday crazy cause I barely know the two. Ohh well. Have had a lot of lil things on my mind which I guess you could say have compiled a few really big things but ehh either or.Just have a feeling somthing not on the good side of things will be happening or need to happen soon before something worse occures.

27 April 2005
Hey hey lol I only slept 15 minutes since the last update yesturday lol so thats about 15 minutes of sleep for the past 56 hours or so. well down to the heebee geebee of this lil posting. those who know me or visit the site know Im a unheathy addict to the band Kittie so yup you guessed it this post is about Kittie.
Well first off if you didnt know yes the band is currently back to being just Morgan and Mercedes Lander. The good news the crap label Artiemis finnaly let the girls go. So they can now find a more supportive label, which also brings about the good news of demos coming out as of when the demos will be out is yet to be heard but in the words of  Homer Simpson Whoa Hoo!
In related news the lovely ladies have also started their own line of cloths called Poisoned Black Clothing the site is currently under construction and what the cloths will look like is yet to be determined. To give hint to their artistic eye Morgan came up with the design for the Until The End Album (that is my memory is serving me properly) any way here is the link for the Poisoned Black Clothing Company
Site and My Space.
Check them out the cloths should be availible sometime next month.
You can safely assume that i will be updating when that occures here and I wouldnt doubt it if I myself wont be sporting some of the gear.

26 April 2005
Well lol I am up waay to late lol and I m probably a lil loopy lol. Well anyway this is just a quickie. Remember that artist that I mentioned a while back that I saw her art in Venice (lol this would be directed to those of you who actually read this babble) her sit is now actually up and running so go look go look now its
On a related note she actually took the time to email me which was pretty kool. Lol and yes that also means I did some shameless self promoting in the lil comments book at her exhibit. But i did it more so so she could find this site not so people who saw her art would come here cause really who sits around and reads through a comment book... well maybe the page your on but I doubt other than the person than the comments are for that they are read. Ok yeah if that makes any sense to anyone you also need mental help.
Well now that I m rambling why stop, I m relising that this is a dot com site now I need to start over hauling it and adding more stuff. Like a better splash page and more content and little less on the me and a more on the you the visitor.In the end this is still a personal site revolving around the sad strage universe known as me but hey every universe needs to expand so possibly in the near furture look for some new stuff and advanced look to things after all all i have is time around this place.
-Spiderrrrrrr (lol)

25 April 2005
Hey hey guess what folks my internet is finnaly set up woo hoo and all that jazz lol. So yeah that means my meaningless ranting and ravings will start poping up again.. and again .. and ohh yeah you guessed it ..again. Theres a lot of nifty lil updates and such for this new computer I have so nothing major will be updated on the site quite yet but hey I have the internet back so they wll be coming I got a bunch of stuff from home today so I m updating and setting that stuff up all at once. I will chack back in again very soon and this time i mean it lol.

16 April 2005
Well still alive technically, lol I have my own pots and pans. Umm not too much going on that I can say.

27 March 2005
So yeah I m sitting in the base library the day was going alright, I went to venice yesturday which lol oddly enough just depressed me out more than anything, guess anything artsy kinda does that to me now adays. For I get too deeply in to what is fucking with my mind have to mention a very good artist whos art I accedently found while being lost in Venice, Maia Operea you can finde her art here at
www.art-maia-oprea.com (edit: looks like her site doesnt work lol go figure well her name is maia oprea 17 from romania i think lol do a search on her she has some good stuff)
Ok now that that lil promo for her is out the way back to my twisted mind at the moment. GOt an email today from emma or i think it was today or maybe the last couple days honestly i dont know and i m not t even in the right state of mind to even care really when it came just know i saw it coming. gahh last weekend we talked she called i was so pleased happy joyous exstatic to hear her voice again I ve missed her so much. But then I heard that beautiful voice of hers and instanly knew something was wrong, i know that voice so well that shit if she has the slightest head ache I ll know, sounds a bit cocky well good for you thinking that dont really care cause she hates that i can do that so i m not that cocky in saying it when shes told me i do it. So of course I ask her whats wrong, as what seems to be the normal of lately i get the cold shoulder treatment, which doesnt bother me too much anymore I m used to it and I konw she has a hard time with those things as i do. So I give it a shot a couple more times still nothing but i know theres something there my friends were off to the bar to get direction I staied behind to talk with her cause yeah duh love her they can wait. The longer we talked though the more shut out of from her i began to felt though she wouldnt say what was bothering her but I had that creepy i dont want this gut feeling to be true feeling that she was starting to feel she was falikng away from me, and now I have this email that conferms this. I dont know what to do I cant even reallyt hink straight i ve had to backspace so many times while typing this that what should take all of a minute or two to type is taking a half hour or more i dont even know anymore. I want to be able to tell her everything will be ok things will be easier but i know things are just going to be getting harder and even though things have the possiblity to be ok do i have the right to try and make her fight along side me and have to go with the angish of having to deal with being ina relationship with a soldier over seas durring time of war. I love this woman to death and i want her to be happy but i m a fraid that i m am jsut going to end up causing more harm then good in her life now. i dont want to lose her but I also do not want to be selfish and keep her for my own when she could be better off just having me as her support when she needs it instead of having the constant worries and irratic contact with me. L:KSjhfd i have no idea what to do and i dont know if i m even capable of making the decision i m lost in more than one way I m scared and gahh I have such a big headace. I should probably jsut email her with this but i know she will read this and I honestly dont know what to say to her directly so i m going with the indirect approach. Maybe this will open myself and her up more I dont knwo dont care just dont know what do to anymroe I dont want to lose her and will always love her but i cant ask her to do the same when its not in her to do it.
Emma I will always love you whatever you feel we should do we can do and I will always be here for you no matter what occures.

24 March 2005
Well I m kinda in a shitty mood now. Just found out that Lisa Marx left Kittie back in Febuary and word of it is just now getting out and not only then Jenn sassy ass Jenn has now left as well.It wasnt the internal band griping shit either like with most bands its the damn record label that is ripping the girls off so they barely have the money needed to tour and eat at the same time. Its a bunch of crap sucha  great band gets pushed in the the shadows and into the dark (close to a bad pun there) while theres all these shitty bands romping and stomping around. Morgan and Mercedes have put there heart and soul in the the band and are the nicest girls I have ever met. Nor have I ever EVER seen a band with such fan detication. It will be a real fucking crappy ass deal if
Artemis Records screw these girls around any more and tear whats left of their will power that has persiviered for so long through all of this labels shit. Gahh ok I m gonna stop ranting cause I could go on about this crap for a long long time but I dont really have such time to do that. I m going to go and listen to some Kittie now and get my uniform ready tomorrow. Just so there is no mistake much love goes out to Lisa and Jenn you two were great. Lisa it was a short run but it was nice while it lasted. Jenn it was 3 years and those three you put in couldnt have been better stay sassy. As for Morgan and Mercedes you held through this shit before and you can do it again, you both know that your fans will ride through this with you until the end and if sucha  tragedy were to occure you can guarentee that even at the end we will all still stand proudly along your sides with the horns in the air proud to always be Kittie fans. This doenst need to be said for it is implied but it will be said anyway, dont ever hesitate to call upon your fans for help, we are more than just your fans we are your distant family that spans across the globe and just like family at the drop of a dime we will all come rushing. Lastly ...
I am a Kittie fan. I hold allegiance to this great band, devotion to their cause, and personally witll stand by them  above all adversity. I wear my Kittie shirts with dignity, and promote the band across the globe. I seek no favor because of them, for the music is all I want. I am a fan and as a fan I stand firm.
Kittie fan now and always

15 March 2005
I m still allive and kicking havent gone to Venice yeat got addicted to snowbording this weekend seems to be the weekend for it though its suppose to be in the 70s. Anyway just a quick pop in still no net connection of my own yet But heres a

03 March 2005
Sooo yeah well lol I m in Italy now how about that eh, meet some pretty cool new folks and met back up with some old, I can open my front door and see some big ass mountains, or walk around town and have no clue what half the people are saying or what I am reading. Its pretty cool aside from the hard part of being away from Emma. But things sohould turn out good. Well I m out I should have my own net connection in about a month, I ll try and get pictures up soon, lol this weekend I m going to Venice.

25 February 2005
You know whats great knowing that when yousay something can make someone smile, especially when that someone is the person you love. I love it when I know Emma is smiling not to metion how cute her smile is.Theres so many cute lil things about her, she does tis cute lil thing where she bites her lower lit ahh its looks so hott too lol and then theres the cute lil ways she says she loves me. Everytime I hear her say that its like I m hearing it for the first time, everytime I hear those words come out of her mouth I just feel great inside. Its crazy now for me to think back to the way I used to be... well lol I wont get in to that cause why the hll would I divolge such information to the internet lol. I dont mind raving about how much I love Emma cause gahh lol I love her so much and everyone is going to know it. But the rest of me yeah cold shut out and if you actually want to know whats going on and you dare ask expect a smart ass answer lol But if you ask about Emma expect to see guy who is so inlove it will sicken you. I have two sides that are truely different sides of the same coin opposites to the extreme. One side I am in love and deeply in love I can promisyou that if you get me started on Emma you will never meet anyone who can get so deeply lost in thought about the person they love. But you get me started on other things you going to see an often crude rude sarcastic person who you would think would just be an ass to hang out with. But then I guess there is still that middle ground where the two combine, and honestly they are probably combining more and more often since I ve been with Emma and maybe that darker ruder side of me is actually just a thing of the past who knows. (Aww Emma just said "I love you") I love it i love how she makes me feel ahh lol its that feeling that makes anyone even the most depressed feeling know that there is reason to live reason to fight to keep the that feeling.I guess then while I m just randomly typing out my mind you can add in that third side its practically seperate from the rest of me its that military side of me that gung ho side that part of me is crazy sometimes I dont even get why I volenteer for some of the things I do. I just do it  I should probably stop all this randomness I have things todo hell this is my last night in my home town for a while. So this page may not get updated for a little while while I get things settled in Italy so it is time to save this and talk to my cuddly bear.

25 February 2005
One more day till Italy ahh its soooo crazy. I worked it nicely so I dont have to go back o nasty TX and will just meet up with my flight in Chicago which is nice gives me an extra day home and save the Air Force money. I m scared for Emma though I feel so bad putting her in this situation but I am confident we will push through this and be stronger from it. I love her so much, it sickens me to ever think of losing her. She is a great woman and the only person I can talk to so openly and she has just the greatest little laugh and smile and then theres her artsy side I love when she gets artsy, she seems so happy when she is lost looking at good art..... lol I m going to go on forever like this..... bottom line like it says in giant letters below
She means alot to me and I will be forever greatful for having her in my life especially i this time of my life where I am making many difficult transitions she has helped me through them and I know for afact without her this would be the most stressful times ever. However with her sweetness and compassion this has been much easier.

24 February 2005
Ok everyone this may come to a big shock to a some of you but i have to say this it builds up sometimes and i just have to lash out with it in big bold capitol letters ok here goes................

OK I feel better now Thank you.

24 February 2005
Time is quickly counting down must say ecen i am freaked out a bit. Site new, see the green vote for me thingy yeah that annoying thing click and vote for me you know you want to. Other news ahh not much I have a lot of packing I am avoiding thats about it. So i think I ll get started on that. Love you Emma

23 February 2005
Hey Hey the site is done well all the old is on the new now its just time for me to make new stuff to put up. Feels good to finnaly have this done. My girlie found this song she says it makes her think of me its sweet:
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here
Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.
Isnt she sooo sweet.
Well I m off to scavange the net for new links again. Ok later people

23 February 2005
Woooooooooooo lol I am bord. Well I have started to just add random personal sites that I have either known about or just found by going to different plug sites. So if your site even romotly humors me I ll add you to the links page dont even care if ?I m linked back to at this point. The rest of the updates to the site should be up by night fall.Also the tag-board has been going in and out the past couple days so dont email me and tell me I know I cant do anything about it. the board is on the companies server not mine so when its down not my fault.
Now heres a small public service announcement. If you have one of those yellow support your troops ribbions on your vehilce PLACE IT ON THERE STRAIGHT. Seriously there is no need to place it so the words are on straight it just looks stupid. If people cant read it then that is very sad. It is not even at a 90* angle its barely a 45 nothing should be hard about that. So if your ribbon magnot is crooked like that go and fix that cause really think about ihow silly you look.Also if your thinking well it makes it easier for people to know what they are well its gotten to the point where almost everyone knows what they are so again no reason to have your ficken ribbon crooked.
Ok lol well laters for now back to updating and searching.

22 February 2005
Site is like 99% done only like three more things to bring uptodate then its all new stuff yippy ki o ki a. So yeah I ll work on that over the next few days and then yeah its off to Italy its crazy these are the last few days I will be home hell even in America for a long long while. Its going to be intresting.

21 February 2005
About 96% done now there are a few of the newer things that arnt set up how I like them to be yet but they are up nw and running much better than before. Both the digital art and drawings galleries are up todate. I pick up my glasses tomorrow and with that I will take some new pics and update the pciture section along with the awards area and hopefully create the layout grave. Other than that I believe thats everything and TheVampireSpider.com will be up an running.
Well over and out

19 February 2005
More updates yay the site is like 70% done with its reconstruction.
umm other news ahh lol i m getting glasses yay really yay beats the BCGs.
I ll give more indepth updates once I finish the reconstruction.
Ohh yeah my Hawk girl image is on the front page o
f Comics2film for the weekend go check it out.

17 February 2005
Welcome to TheVampireSpider.Com, lol yes .com haha I ve upgaded. For the next few days weeks I dunno things will still be stitching over and links maybe broken the site may look funny but in the long run this shits gonna look shit hot. So pardon my mess but the new improved and more updated TheVampireSpider.Com will be up and running
Also the new layout the pictures are from a very talented artist I just stumbled upon at Deviant Art veiw her wor
k here & here

     Well this sites gone to hell with out it being taken care of what can ya do so heres an update for the New Year, happy new year to those of you who still drop by and there are some i m still getting about 40-50 page veiws a month so someone is drppping in. Not to much to say I still love Emma I m still in training I m still headed for Italy, its in the big dorky update below this one that I typed out close to two months ago but never uploaded. Alot of the sites codeing is all jacked up and the site is in shity condition but ohh fucking well. When I have time I m thinking of  buying the domain and fixing her back up again but I dont have that time yet so the few who still visit your gonna have to make do. I also took out alot of the old news updates for now i still have em incase forsome reason someone cares they just wont be back up for a while. Well thats all for now.

.....System Uplink...
.....Reboot Successful..
.....Update Successful:
  Date:11 November 2004
Time: 2129
Location: Lackland Air Force Base Texas
                 Security Forces Tech School 
                 Dorm B
                 Room XXXX
           Well I m back. Damn long time since an update and actually from the time this is actually being typed there still will be a good amount of time till it makes it to the site. I figured I should type out whats going on while I can then update the site when ever I can. I m in tech school now I made it out of basic training graduated on the 15th of October. I m currently scheduled to graduate on the 3rd of February.... Lol then there is the big thing that will make things a bit difficult for my life  well the people who need to know already know the rest of you this doesnt really concern to much but yeah this will make things in my life that I have come acustom to difficult to keep.. I found out my duty station its not Germany its Italy pretty sweet location I got lucky I could have gotten stuck in Greenland like a friend of mine. Now the hard part my love my life the one that I constantly think of day in and day out Emma, I ve told her the news of course she said shes "happy" for me but really even people who have no clue who I am and who she is can easily tell that this will make things hard and that even if she is happy for me, she would rather have things differently. I love her to death and would do just about anything for her that I can, I dont ever want to lose her and anyone who knows me knows that, I fear losing her every day I m hear. Every other day I hear about some guy here who got the "Dear John" letter or call I cant imagine he doing that but to be honest knowing my base location I almost cant blame her if she did, I m going over seas away farther from her tzxwith this if she would rather just leave me to get on with her life and not have to worry about me in another country. Then I think but no she stood with me threw this she can handel another step, perhaps I m being selfish thinking that way. its a damned if you damned if you dont situation and I have no clue on how to handel this. We are not married and I dont think that, that will happen any time soon, neither of us are too in to the marriage idea but do like the thought of being together for a long time weird I know but hey we are a couple of weirdos. She graduates this January and will be going to college soon, shes hella smart real high speed I know she will do great things and I m very proud of her. I fear that I m going to hold back her success, I was talking with a friend the other day they said that perhaps I m more scared that I will do something to lose her... To be honest the thought of me screwing things up have been in my mind but I cant see myself doing anything like that I have things in my past that have always been there and constant reminders of why I treat relationships the way I do. I never and I repeat never cheat and will always do anything and everything I can to make the girl I m with happy. So really I guess you have to ask what do I have to worry about she says she will stick with me and I wont do anything to screw it up. Really you tell me cause I dont know I m always paranoid its my nature. I have something great and theres somany things in the way to ruin it and it scares the shit out of me that I m going to end up screwed once again. Well lol look like I havent lost my nack
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